"DISTANT MEMORY"
My name is Frank. My last name is of little importance.
But the story I'm about to tell you is. Be careful what you wish for. You might not like the results when you get it.
I met my wife, Elizabeth, in December of 2020. She was an intern. I was a decorated scientist on the verge of the single greatest human achievement ever known. All modesty aside. I began to lead two lives shortly after. The first, the life I had been living up to the point of first meeting Elizabeth. The second, a more exciting and personally fulfilling one with her. Our romance blossomed February 17th of 2022. It was a hard road, she had obviously been hurt before and initially wasn’t receptive to my advances. But our friendship was strong. The foundation and building blocks for something more. After 2 years of being friends, and 2 years of dating I asked Elizabeth Anson to marry me. We wed on June 21st of 2024. The best day in my entire life. 2024... a year to remember. A year, now, I try to forget. Because it was also that year I along with my colleagues finished our project and submitted it to our superiors for test approval. Of course it was given the green light and unlimited funds. How could it not have been. Little did I know this event would be the end of life as I knew it.
2025. We finally breached the confines of space and time. We had successfully manufactured a worm hole. Connecting two points in our world. The present, and the past. We sent observers through these portals, only to verify and record data. No interactions. No contact. 5 test runs. 5 successful results.
it was a joyous time for us, the scientific break through we had all hoped for. We celebrated, but my heart longed for Elizabeth. I wanted to share this with her, to celebrate my work. But for as long as I had known her this was the one secret I had to keep from her. Strict guidelines. Strict rules. Both company enforced. And I followed without question. It was my job. So I said nothing. My beautiful Elizabeth. My one and only.
My wife had fallen into a deep depression. We had never discussed, not even in the least, her past or the events that had apparently changed her life forever. She was a mess. I had never felt more helpless in my entire life. I gave her a few days. Pandora’s open box would be waiting for me after those few days were up. She told me about her life and growing up as an only child with a single, working mom. She remembered at around age 6 she asked her mother, Mary, why she didn’t have a father like all her other friends. Her mother told her that her father, William, had died in a car accident when she was younger. it saddened her, but having no memory of him helped to ease the pain. Elizabeth then told me she remembered at about age 8, a man who had been seeing her mother for some time, Teddy Wright, moving in with her mom and her. She remembered a couple of months later one night, the night that would change her life forever, hearing a loud ruckus coming from her mother and Teddy's bedroom. When she got up from bed to see what was the cause of the commotion she saw Teddy passed out on the bed, and her mothers body, bloodied and bruised on the floor. She remembers trying to wake up her mom, but with no success. She had been beaten to death, by Teddy. She said she couldn't really remember anything after that, she only remembers what the police told her. Apparently she went into the kitchen and retrieved a knife and used it to kill an already unconscious Teddy. Who according to the police, was passed out drunk. She went to a foster home, and the records were sealed because she was a minor. But this incident, would forever haunt my Elizabeth. It would forever be embedded deep within her soul, and feed her growing sadness.
I can honestly say there wasn’t a single day that went by at work, that I didn’t think “what if?”.
What if I used this creation before me to change my wife’s past. To erase that devastating incident from her life. I’m a scientist. I do extensive research. I calculate every possible angle, every possible point at which failure could arise, but love is blinding. Love can make you do things that in your mind are being helpful when in fact they’re just adding to the misery. I must have been out of my mind. I must have been, to carry out all of my actions that followed. I hired a private investigator to find as much information on Teddy Wright as possible. The results left much to be desired. I had gathered from the time frame Elizabeth had given to me that it was 27 years in the past that this event took place.
Teddy’s death certificate had confirmed that with a date of 1998 on it. The only known address for Teddy was 2306 Orson Way, an apartment he resided in alone that was 36 years old. I wouldn’t have the resources or know how to find this man once I traveled back in time, as our time continues on through the other side of the wormhole. So I had to pinpoint his presence before making my trip. About the only research I did myself was to find a safe place near that address to enter through. An abandoned warehouse 4 miles away. Perfect.
Friday night, I worked graveyard under the guise of ironing out some kinks in the system. It was easy, I was after all a significant member of the project team. I entered our facility as usual, swiping my keycard at all of the secured doors. Once in the lab I set the appropriate coordinates and entered the small man-sized vessel with which to pass safely through the wormhole that had appeared. I don’t remember much about the trip, it’s indescribable. I just remember waking up. I covered the vessel with as much stuff as I could find to hide it. In this case old cardboard boxes. And I began my journey. My journey to find Teddy Wright. To find him, and stop him. For Elizabeth. My Love.
I arrived at the address. I wasn’t sure what to do next. For the first time in my life I had absolutely no plan. How was I going to stop him from meeting Elizabeth’s mother? My first approach was talking. I figured that’s always the best thing to try in a situation. Murder was the furthest thing in my mind. I rang the bell at his apartment building, some woman answered over the intercom. I asked if Teddy was there, she said no. I decided to wait across the street. it was nighttime, the streets were vacant and the scene was uneventful. 20 minutes later all of that changed.
I saw a man stumbling out of the bar just down the street from where I was waiting. Nothing significant until another man exited the bar behind him and yelled “Later Teddy!” before entering a car and swerving off.. was this the man I was looking for? He crossed the street, still stumbling and obviously drunk. When he stopped at the apartment i had just visited, I knew. This was Teddy Wright. This was the catalyst of my wife’s suffering. I approached him, still not quite sure as to what I was even going to say to him. I asked him if he was Teddy Wright, he said “yeah.. who the fuck are you?”... I wasn’t sure what to say. I just remember blurting out.. “Stay away from Mary Anson!”. I wasn’t ready for his response. My statement seemed to enrage him. “What the fuck did you just say to me?”... he said slurring while stumbling towards me with a look of rage I had never seen on a human being up to that point in my life. “Why? Are you fucking her you son of a bitch!”.. I didn’t know what to do next. He grabbed me, we tussled for a minute, I pushed him away from me and he fell down sideways next to the curb. I was so startled by the whole encounter I didn’t notice that when he fell, he fell on some beer bottles next to the curb. I don’t remember hearing any glass breaking. But I remember the sight of the broken glass protruding from the left side of his face and neck when I turned him over to check if he was alright. And I remember all of the blood. I’ll always remember the amount of blood. it was everywhere. I ran away frantically. Frantic but at the same time ecstatic at the prospect of returning to a new Elizabeth, and a new life for us. Together. The Best laid plans...
When I arrived back through the wormhole I was greeted by armed guards. It seems my superiors had added a fail safe to the project. A device to alert of it’s unauthorized and unscheduled use. I was promptly fired. I had to sign letters agreeing to full confidentiality and to forget this incident and project altogether or they would prosecute me for my actions, including breaking and entering. I agreed. I didn’t care anymore. I accomplished everything I wanted from the machine. I was ready to move on. With Elizabeth. I entered our apartment and was greeted by silence. the air was cold. Something was wrong. Elizabeth was no where to be found. I couldn’t think straight. What had I done? ...My nightmare began.
I went to the police station, filed a missing persons claim and waited impatiently. An officer finally came out and spoke with me in another room. What he told didn’t register. “I’m sorry sir, but we have no record for any one with that social security number”. This cannot be happening. I told him her mother’s name Mary Anson. Maybe she would have the answers I needed to make some sort of sense out of this. When the officer returned, what he said, was one of a series of statements that would shatter my world into a million little pieces of regret... “We found a Mary Anson, her address is 2306 Orson Way”... I sunk deeper into the black hole I had created for myself. I needed answers...I arrived at the address. For the second time now.
I rang the same bell, this time hearing an old woman’s voice over the intercom. I explained that I needed to speak to her about Elizabeth. She had no idea who I was talking about. I then told her I needed to talk to her about Teddy Wright. I was immediately buzzed in. When her apartment door opened I was greeted at the door by this frail old lady, who smiled and said “hello” while motioning with her withered arms to come in. I sat down. I had a million questions, but didn’t know where to start. I asked her about Elizabeth again, she assured me she had never met anyone by that name. What the hell was going on? I asked her about Teddy. “Teddy was the love of my life“. “He died from an accident outside this very building”. “Almost, God... almost 37 years ago”. The lump in my throat at that moment could have been mistaken for cancer. My voice trembled.. I could barely get out the words. “Do you know anyone named William? Is that name significant to you at all?” She answered “Why yes, of course dear”. “William Teddy Wright... The Love of my life. My one and only”.
I Love You Elizabeth. Forever. My One and Only.
But the story I'm about to tell you is. Be careful what you wish for. You might not like the results when you get it.
I met my wife, Elizabeth, in December of 2020. She was an intern. I was a decorated scientist on the verge of the single greatest human achievement ever known. All modesty aside. I began to lead two lives shortly after. The first, the life I had been living up to the point of first meeting Elizabeth. The second, a more exciting and personally fulfilling one with her. Our romance blossomed February 17th of 2022. It was a hard road, she had obviously been hurt before and initially wasn’t receptive to my advances. But our friendship was strong. The foundation and building blocks for something more. After 2 years of being friends, and 2 years of dating I asked Elizabeth Anson to marry me. We wed on June 21st of 2024. The best day in my entire life. 2024... a year to remember. A year, now, I try to forget. Because it was also that year I along with my colleagues finished our project and submitted it to our superiors for test approval. Of course it was given the green light and unlimited funds. How could it not have been. Little did I know this event would be the end of life as I knew it.
2025. We finally breached the confines of space and time. We had successfully manufactured a worm hole. Connecting two points in our world. The present, and the past. We sent observers through these portals, only to verify and record data. No interactions. No contact. 5 test runs. 5 successful results.
it was a joyous time for us, the scientific break through we had all hoped for. We celebrated, but my heart longed for Elizabeth. I wanted to share this with her, to celebrate my work. But for as long as I had known her this was the one secret I had to keep from her. Strict guidelines. Strict rules. Both company enforced. And I followed without question. It was my job. So I said nothing. My beautiful Elizabeth. My one and only.
My wife had fallen into a deep depression. We had never discussed, not even in the least, her past or the events that had apparently changed her life forever. She was a mess. I had never felt more helpless in my entire life. I gave her a few days. Pandora’s open box would be waiting for me after those few days were up. She told me about her life and growing up as an only child with a single, working mom. She remembered at around age 6 she asked her mother, Mary, why she didn’t have a father like all her other friends. Her mother told her that her father, William, had died in a car accident when she was younger. it saddened her, but having no memory of him helped to ease the pain. Elizabeth then told me she remembered at about age 8, a man who had been seeing her mother for some time, Teddy Wright, moving in with her mom and her. She remembered a couple of months later one night, the night that would change her life forever, hearing a loud ruckus coming from her mother and Teddy's bedroom. When she got up from bed to see what was the cause of the commotion she saw Teddy passed out on the bed, and her mothers body, bloodied and bruised on the floor. She remembers trying to wake up her mom, but with no success. She had been beaten to death, by Teddy. She said she couldn't really remember anything after that, she only remembers what the police told her. Apparently she went into the kitchen and retrieved a knife and used it to kill an already unconscious Teddy. Who according to the police, was passed out drunk. She went to a foster home, and the records were sealed because she was a minor. But this incident, would forever haunt my Elizabeth. It would forever be embedded deep within her soul, and feed her growing sadness.
I can honestly say there wasn’t a single day that went by at work, that I didn’t think “what if?”.
What if I used this creation before me to change my wife’s past. To erase that devastating incident from her life. I’m a scientist. I do extensive research. I calculate every possible angle, every possible point at which failure could arise, but love is blinding. Love can make you do things that in your mind are being helpful when in fact they’re just adding to the misery. I must have been out of my mind. I must have been, to carry out all of my actions that followed. I hired a private investigator to find as much information on Teddy Wright as possible. The results left much to be desired. I had gathered from the time frame Elizabeth had given to me that it was 27 years in the past that this event took place.
Teddy’s death certificate had confirmed that with a date of 1998 on it. The only known address for Teddy was 2306 Orson Way, an apartment he resided in alone that was 36 years old. I wouldn’t have the resources or know how to find this man once I traveled back in time, as our time continues on through the other side of the wormhole. So I had to pinpoint his presence before making my trip. About the only research I did myself was to find a safe place near that address to enter through. An abandoned warehouse 4 miles away. Perfect.
Friday night, I worked graveyard under the guise of ironing out some kinks in the system. It was easy, I was after all a significant member of the project team. I entered our facility as usual, swiping my keycard at all of the secured doors. Once in the lab I set the appropriate coordinates and entered the small man-sized vessel with which to pass safely through the wormhole that had appeared. I don’t remember much about the trip, it’s indescribable. I just remember waking up. I covered the vessel with as much stuff as I could find to hide it. In this case old cardboard boxes. And I began my journey. My journey to find Teddy Wright. To find him, and stop him. For Elizabeth. My Love.
I arrived at the address. I wasn’t sure what to do next. For the first time in my life I had absolutely no plan. How was I going to stop him from meeting Elizabeth’s mother? My first approach was talking. I figured that’s always the best thing to try in a situation. Murder was the furthest thing in my mind. I rang the bell at his apartment building, some woman answered over the intercom. I asked if Teddy was there, she said no. I decided to wait across the street. it was nighttime, the streets were vacant and the scene was uneventful. 20 minutes later all of that changed.
I saw a man stumbling out of the bar just down the street from where I was waiting. Nothing significant until another man exited the bar behind him and yelled “Later Teddy!” before entering a car and swerving off.. was this the man I was looking for? He crossed the street, still stumbling and obviously drunk. When he stopped at the apartment i had just visited, I knew. This was Teddy Wright. This was the catalyst of my wife’s suffering. I approached him, still not quite sure as to what I was even going to say to him. I asked him if he was Teddy Wright, he said “yeah.. who the fuck are you?”... I wasn’t sure what to say. I just remember blurting out.. “Stay away from Mary Anson!”. I wasn’t ready for his response. My statement seemed to enrage him. “What the fuck did you just say to me?”... he said slurring while stumbling towards me with a look of rage I had never seen on a human being up to that point in my life. “Why? Are you fucking her you son of a bitch!”.. I didn’t know what to do next. He grabbed me, we tussled for a minute, I pushed him away from me and he fell down sideways next to the curb. I was so startled by the whole encounter I didn’t notice that when he fell, he fell on some beer bottles next to the curb. I don’t remember hearing any glass breaking. But I remember the sight of the broken glass protruding from the left side of his face and neck when I turned him over to check if he was alright. And I remember all of the blood. I’ll always remember the amount of blood. it was everywhere. I ran away frantically. Frantic but at the same time ecstatic at the prospect of returning to a new Elizabeth, and a new life for us. Together. The Best laid plans...
When I arrived back through the wormhole I was greeted by armed guards. It seems my superiors had added a fail safe to the project. A device to alert of it’s unauthorized and unscheduled use. I was promptly fired. I had to sign letters agreeing to full confidentiality and to forget this incident and project altogether or they would prosecute me for my actions, including breaking and entering. I agreed. I didn’t care anymore. I accomplished everything I wanted from the machine. I was ready to move on. With Elizabeth. I entered our apartment and was greeted by silence. the air was cold. Something was wrong. Elizabeth was no where to be found. I couldn’t think straight. What had I done? ...My nightmare began.
I went to the police station, filed a missing persons claim and waited impatiently. An officer finally came out and spoke with me in another room. What he told didn’t register. “I’m sorry sir, but we have no record for any one with that social security number”. This cannot be happening. I told him her mother’s name Mary Anson. Maybe she would have the answers I needed to make some sort of sense out of this. When the officer returned, what he said, was one of a series of statements that would shatter my world into a million little pieces of regret... “We found a Mary Anson, her address is 2306 Orson Way”... I sunk deeper into the black hole I had created for myself. I needed answers...I arrived at the address. For the second time now.
I rang the same bell, this time hearing an old woman’s voice over the intercom. I explained that I needed to speak to her about Elizabeth. She had no idea who I was talking about. I then told her I needed to talk to her about Teddy Wright. I was immediately buzzed in. When her apartment door opened I was greeted at the door by this frail old lady, who smiled and said “hello” while motioning with her withered arms to come in. I sat down. I had a million questions, but didn’t know where to start. I asked her about Elizabeth again, she assured me she had never met anyone by that name. What the hell was going on? I asked her about Teddy. “Teddy was the love of my life“. “He died from an accident outside this very building”. “Almost, God... almost 37 years ago”. The lump in my throat at that moment could have been mistaken for cancer. My voice trembled.. I could barely get out the words. “Do you know anyone named William? Is that name significant to you at all?” She answered “Why yes, of course dear”. “William Teddy Wright... The Love of my life. My one and only”.
I Love You Elizabeth. Forever. My One and Only.
"A SECOND CHANCE"
Three weeks ago I was deemed suicidal after jumping off of a bridge and plunging into the river 20 feet below it. I was deemed suicidal and put on a 24 hour watch inside of the local hospital. With no ID present on my personal I was given the name of John Doe. After my initial evaluation and subsequent erratic and violent actions following my admittance I was moved to a facility for the mentally insane. The hospital doctors felt it would suit my needs better and that the facilities staff could handle my treatment better. They couldn't have been more wrong. Sometimes, things don't make sense if you can’t see the entire picture. Bits and pieces can be deceiving.
They have me on a medication that supposedly suppresses violent actions. In their opinion, it seems to be working for me. “Seems“. I and the other patients here are free to roam around during the day, only interrupted by meals, meds and the obligatory group sessions. My favorite area is the coy pond in the garden. I would often visit it throughout the day. I don’t talk much during group. Whenever I’m asked a question I just stare off into space. Catatonic. It couldn’t be more perfect. Today was the staffs first major breakthrough with John Doe. While in group session, after being asked something unrelated to my answer I muttered “Frank Sawyer.” I was sure to mumble it over and over again. “Frank Sawyer.” Was this my name? The facility doctors of course contacted the police and asked them to search for this individual. The seed was planted. I would have to wait a week and a half later until I finally got to see it’s beautiful growth. Well worth the wait.
“Frank, oh my God Frank!” screamed a woman as she ran ahead of the doctor and staff security escorting her towards my bed. “I thought I had lost you.” She hugged me tightly. I didn’t hug back. I remained perfectly still. Staring off beyond her. “Frank!?” The doctor pulled her aside and undoubtedly told her of my current state. She began crying. Beautiful indeed. She again approached me, “Frank, it’s me. Elizabeth. Your wife, Elizabeth.” No response. The doctor explained to her it would take some time. I got up, and headed outside towards the garden area. I heard the doctor tell my wife to spend some time with me, and that maybe her presence would be helpful in my treatment. Outside in the garden I walked towards the small coy pond off into the distance. Elizabeth followed, along with one staff security official. I stopped in front of the pond, staring into the water. My wife soon joined me. The staff security told my wife to call him if she needed anything and turned his back to us. For our privacy. More like for my opportunity.
“The fish are beautiful, aren’t they Frank?” My wife said as she knelt down near the pond to get a better look. Before she could rise back to her feet I snapped her neck instantly killing her. The sound of the splash from her body falling into the pond was the only noise that alerted the security official standing nearby. He rushed passed me into the pond to retrieve my wife Elizabeth’s body, frantically calling for back up on his radio. Doctors and other staff ran towards the scene in a frenzy. While I stood there, staring into the pond. Staring with the same blank expression this facility had become all to familiar with during my stay here. I am, remember, crazy. How can someone crazy, in a mental institution be held accountable for their actions? My favorite area is the coy pond in the garden. I would often visit it throughout the day... as often as my medication was given to me. I’m sure all the pills I discarded into that pond helped the coy fish with any violent tendencies they might have had.
Frank Sawyer. A man who slaved and worked his ass off for years to acquire his wealth. By no means was he a multimillionaire, but with a divorce from his worthless spouse he would still end up half as rich. Frank Sawyer. A man who figured out a foolproof “divorce” that wouldn’t lead to spousal support or payment of any kind. Sometimes, things don't make sense if you can’t see the entire picture. Bits and pieces can be deceiving. I’ll probably be here for awhile. Not years though. I’m sure in the coming months the doctors will see a significant improvement in my mental state. They’ll see a man who’s slowly but surely recovering from his unfortunate, and quite sudden mental state. A mental state, that I, created to carry out this plan. Probably in less than a year I’ll be allowed to leave. Once I’ve been “cured”. Rules were made to be broken. You just have to be smart enough to figure out how to break them. My new life is waiting for me, and the possibilities are truly endless...
They have me on a medication that supposedly suppresses violent actions. In their opinion, it seems to be working for me. “Seems“. I and the other patients here are free to roam around during the day, only interrupted by meals, meds and the obligatory group sessions. My favorite area is the coy pond in the garden. I would often visit it throughout the day. I don’t talk much during group. Whenever I’m asked a question I just stare off into space. Catatonic. It couldn’t be more perfect. Today was the staffs first major breakthrough with John Doe. While in group session, after being asked something unrelated to my answer I muttered “Frank Sawyer.” I was sure to mumble it over and over again. “Frank Sawyer.” Was this my name? The facility doctors of course contacted the police and asked them to search for this individual. The seed was planted. I would have to wait a week and a half later until I finally got to see it’s beautiful growth. Well worth the wait.
“Frank, oh my God Frank!” screamed a woman as she ran ahead of the doctor and staff security escorting her towards my bed. “I thought I had lost you.” She hugged me tightly. I didn’t hug back. I remained perfectly still. Staring off beyond her. “Frank!?” The doctor pulled her aside and undoubtedly told her of my current state. She began crying. Beautiful indeed. She again approached me, “Frank, it’s me. Elizabeth. Your wife, Elizabeth.” No response. The doctor explained to her it would take some time. I got up, and headed outside towards the garden area. I heard the doctor tell my wife to spend some time with me, and that maybe her presence would be helpful in my treatment. Outside in the garden I walked towards the small coy pond off into the distance. Elizabeth followed, along with one staff security official. I stopped in front of the pond, staring into the water. My wife soon joined me. The staff security told my wife to call him if she needed anything and turned his back to us. For our privacy. More like for my opportunity.
“The fish are beautiful, aren’t they Frank?” My wife said as she knelt down near the pond to get a better look. Before she could rise back to her feet I snapped her neck instantly killing her. The sound of the splash from her body falling into the pond was the only noise that alerted the security official standing nearby. He rushed passed me into the pond to retrieve my wife Elizabeth’s body, frantically calling for back up on his radio. Doctors and other staff ran towards the scene in a frenzy. While I stood there, staring into the pond. Staring with the same blank expression this facility had become all to familiar with during my stay here. I am, remember, crazy. How can someone crazy, in a mental institution be held accountable for their actions? My favorite area is the coy pond in the garden. I would often visit it throughout the day... as often as my medication was given to me. I’m sure all the pills I discarded into that pond helped the coy fish with any violent tendencies they might have had.
Frank Sawyer. A man who slaved and worked his ass off for years to acquire his wealth. By no means was he a multimillionaire, but with a divorce from his worthless spouse he would still end up half as rich. Frank Sawyer. A man who figured out a foolproof “divorce” that wouldn’t lead to spousal support or payment of any kind. Sometimes, things don't make sense if you can’t see the entire picture. Bits and pieces can be deceiving. I’ll probably be here for awhile. Not years though. I’m sure in the coming months the doctors will see a significant improvement in my mental state. They’ll see a man who’s slowly but surely recovering from his unfortunate, and quite sudden mental state. A mental state, that I, created to carry out this plan. Probably in less than a year I’ll be allowed to leave. Once I’ve been “cured”. Rules were made to be broken. You just have to be smart enough to figure out how to break them. My new life is waiting for me, and the possibilities are truly endless...
"CONFESSIONAL"
"Forgive me father, for I have sinned... It's been 10 years since my last confession."
"What sins do you wish to confess today my son?" I gathered my thoughts, and answered him. "I murdered a man, father." The silence was both appropriate and expected.
"Murder is the greatest sin you can commit my son." This wasn't news to me. I was raised in a very religious family. Church every Sunday and choir practice 3 days a week since I was eight years old. In my youth I probably wore a suit more than most men will in their entire lives. I loved God. And God loved me.. so I thought. "I know father, but this man was a sinner too. I know in my heart his death was the will of God." "My son, God does not wish death upon any living soul. To even think that would be a sin, in and of itself." I could hear the firmness in his voice, even through the partition screen separating us.
"Tell me why you committed this terrible sin my son." I was more than willing. A sin is only a sin if the sinner is aware that he has indeed, sinned. Ignorance is bliss. Revelation is damning. I began to tell the priest about my child hood and my time in church. The more I told, the more I felt my burden lifted off my chest like a phoenix. My guilt. My shame. All burned away. And in it's place, rising out of the ashes a glorious new me. The me I should have become, before my innocence was taken from me. That single instance.. would turn me into the man that stands here now. A murderer.
I told the priest when I was 14 a man molested me after church service in one of the bathrooms. I didn't understand what was going on but I knew it wasn't right. "I was lost after that father. I felt dead inside. And I wished for my death on the outside too." "You tried to commit suicide my son?" "Yes." Another sin to add to my resume. My parents had no clue as to the hell I was suffering in. I never told a soul. I was placed into a mental facility for a year and a half. It was there that I learned the truth.
"I know now it wasn't my fault. It was his. I was innocent, and that man was the sinner. Not me... not me." "We can't pass judgment on our fellow man, my son. That is God’s job.” God must have been busy then.. because this man never received his just due. But he would. “My life was a downward spiral until my treatment. I was awakened to the horror of it all, father. God spoke to me.” “And what did he tell you my son?” I swallowed the lump that had been building in my throat since I first sat down. “He told me that I was to be the one to pass judgment on this man. That I would have to punish this man for his sins.” Again silence. And again.. it was expected.
“What did you do then, my son?” The firmness in his voice turned to a slight tremble similar to the beginning signs of Parkinson’s. “I went to the mans place of work. I waited for the perfect opportunity to be alone with him. And then I killed him.” “...And how did you feel my son?” I didn’t know how to answer. I don’t remember what I was thinking at that point. So many thoughts and emotions were running through my mind. “I.. I honestly don’t know father.” “Do you understand that what you did was wrong?” “Yes.” I immediately answered. “Do you understand my son, that God cannot allow you into his kingdom after committing such an act?” “Yes.” I immediately answered, now with the same firmness that was originally heard in the voice of the priest I was confessing to. “Do you understand that you need to repent this sin now, in the presence of God my son?” After a brief silence I answered. “Yes... Do you understand that the man I’ve been describing to you, is YOU father!?” God is with me.
The bullet left the gun’s silencer and ripped through the partition screen with little more than a slight spitting sound. I heard the priests body slump to the floor. A sin is only a sin if the sinner is aware that he has indeed, sinned. I exited the confessional booth. Looking around, I realized how much I truly missed being in church. I went home and fixed myself some dinner. Afterwards I spent what seemed like hours in my closet, picking out the nicest suit I could find. I have a good feeling service next Sunday will be splendid.
"What sins do you wish to confess today my son?" I gathered my thoughts, and answered him. "I murdered a man, father." The silence was both appropriate and expected.
"Murder is the greatest sin you can commit my son." This wasn't news to me. I was raised in a very religious family. Church every Sunday and choir practice 3 days a week since I was eight years old. In my youth I probably wore a suit more than most men will in their entire lives. I loved God. And God loved me.. so I thought. "I know father, but this man was a sinner too. I know in my heart his death was the will of God." "My son, God does not wish death upon any living soul. To even think that would be a sin, in and of itself." I could hear the firmness in his voice, even through the partition screen separating us.
"Tell me why you committed this terrible sin my son." I was more than willing. A sin is only a sin if the sinner is aware that he has indeed, sinned. Ignorance is bliss. Revelation is damning. I began to tell the priest about my child hood and my time in church. The more I told, the more I felt my burden lifted off my chest like a phoenix. My guilt. My shame. All burned away. And in it's place, rising out of the ashes a glorious new me. The me I should have become, before my innocence was taken from me. That single instance.. would turn me into the man that stands here now. A murderer.
I told the priest when I was 14 a man molested me after church service in one of the bathrooms. I didn't understand what was going on but I knew it wasn't right. "I was lost after that father. I felt dead inside. And I wished for my death on the outside too." "You tried to commit suicide my son?" "Yes." Another sin to add to my resume. My parents had no clue as to the hell I was suffering in. I never told a soul. I was placed into a mental facility for a year and a half. It was there that I learned the truth.
"I know now it wasn't my fault. It was his. I was innocent, and that man was the sinner. Not me... not me." "We can't pass judgment on our fellow man, my son. That is God’s job.” God must have been busy then.. because this man never received his just due. But he would. “My life was a downward spiral until my treatment. I was awakened to the horror of it all, father. God spoke to me.” “And what did he tell you my son?” I swallowed the lump that had been building in my throat since I first sat down. “He told me that I was to be the one to pass judgment on this man. That I would have to punish this man for his sins.” Again silence. And again.. it was expected.
“What did you do then, my son?” The firmness in his voice turned to a slight tremble similar to the beginning signs of Parkinson’s. “I went to the mans place of work. I waited for the perfect opportunity to be alone with him. And then I killed him.” “...And how did you feel my son?” I didn’t know how to answer. I don’t remember what I was thinking at that point. So many thoughts and emotions were running through my mind. “I.. I honestly don’t know father.” “Do you understand that what you did was wrong?” “Yes.” I immediately answered. “Do you understand my son, that God cannot allow you into his kingdom after committing such an act?” “Yes.” I immediately answered, now with the same firmness that was originally heard in the voice of the priest I was confessing to. “Do you understand that you need to repent this sin now, in the presence of God my son?” After a brief silence I answered. “Yes... Do you understand that the man I’ve been describing to you, is YOU father!?” God is with me.
The bullet left the gun’s silencer and ripped through the partition screen with little more than a slight spitting sound. I heard the priests body slump to the floor. A sin is only a sin if the sinner is aware that he has indeed, sinned. I exited the confessional booth. Looking around, I realized how much I truly missed being in church. I went home and fixed myself some dinner. Afterwards I spent what seemed like hours in my closet, picking out the nicest suit I could find. I have a good feeling service next Sunday will be splendid.
"OBSESSION"
“There’s a big difference between believing in something, and knowing something for a fact. To believe in something, you merely need faith. To know something for a fact, especially for the faithless, you need proof. Something that isn't, unfortunately, always readily available.”
After the death of Frank and Elizabeth's son Theodore, things progressively got worse between them. The official cause of death was S.I.D.S. (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome). Theodore was only 9 months old. Frank tried his best to console Elizabeth, but he never seemed capable of breaking through her fortified barrier of grief. Their marriage was nearing it’s end...
“It’s not our fault honey. There’s nothing we could have done differently. Nothing!” Frank said kneeling before his wife sitting in one of their living room chairs where she would often stay for days on end, Sobbing. “The Doctors said it just happens.. there’s nothing we could have done to prevent it.”
“I could have been a better mother.” Elizabeth uttered under her breath. “Is Teddy in Heaven? He has to be in heaven with God... he has to be!”
Frank was startled by this, “What!? Of course he’s in heaven Lizzy, I’m sure of it.”
“But you don’t know for sure. There’s no way to know for sure.. don’t you understand that? I need to know for sure. I need to know!” Elizabeth cupped her face into her hands, rocking back and forth repeating the same phrase over and over again. “I need to know, I need to know, I need to know...”
This became a daily ritual for Elizabeth. Frank was at a loss as to how to satisfy Elizabeth’s need to know without a shadow of a doubt, whether or not their deceased son was in heaven. Frank often felt if he could just prove to her somehow that their son was in fact in Heaven, that it would mend their wounds and heal the bond they once shared. This idea would eventually become Frank’s obsession.
Six months after the death of their child, Elizabeth filed for divorce. She packed up her belongings and moved out. Frank was distraught. On Elizabeth’s final visit to the house her and Frank once inhabited so happily, Frank tried one last time to save his marriage. “I can’t lose you both Lizzy.. please, please reconsider this. We can get counseling, we can try to make it work. Please Lizzy.. please try for me. Please!” His words barely registered with Elizabeth who simply stated “I’ll have my lawyer contact you to finalize all the details. Goodbye.” The coldness from her words sent a winter chill straight through Frank. As Elizabeth closed the front door behind her as she left, Frank crumpled to the ground as if in that very instant every single bone in his body had turned to Gelatin.
A month and a half had passed since Elizabeth left. Frank continued with his day to day routines. Trying to appear normal. But not a single day went by that Frank didn't think about Elizabeth and Teddy. Remembering the family they once had.
KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK...
“S.F.P.D... Open up!”
The loud knocking at the door woke Frank out of a sound sleep. He unlocked his front door and opened it to revel a bevy of uniformed Police officers and Detectives. "Are you Frank Sawyer?"
"Yes. Is there a problem officer?"
“I’m Detective Wallace. This is my partner Detective Sims. We need to speak to you about your ex wife Elizabeth. May we come in?”
“Of course. Is everything alright? Is Elizabeth ok? Is she in trouble?” Frank said frantically, confused by the whole situation before him.
The Detectives entered Franks house while the other officers remained outside near the front door. The two Detectives made their way into the living room and asked Frank to take a seat. “When is the last time you spoke to or saw your ex wife sir?” Asked Detective Sims.
“Uh.. right.. right before she left me. About a month and a half ago. I tried contacting her after I received our divorce papers. She wouldn’t answer any of my calls. Is she ok? Tell me what’s going on?” Frank demanded, trying to speak firmly even though he felt his entire body weakening with every breath he took.
“Your ex wife Elizabeth is dead sir.“
Franks head began to spin. His thought process shut down like an emergency at a newspaper printing press. His world violently screeched to a halt.
“I.. I don’t understand. She.. I don’t..”
“We discovered her body two days ago after one of her neighbors reported hearing a loud explosion coming from her apartment and called 911.” Detective Wallace told Frank.
“How?” Frank asked in a tone so low it was barely audible.
“She apparently committed suicide with a handgun she purchased 3 weeks ago.”
Frank’s words came out of his mouth with a randomness that only tragedy can induce. “She... Lizzy... she said she was better now. She said.. She said it was all better now.”
“Sir when did you say was the last time you talked with her?” Detective Sims asked.
“About.. a month and a half ago. She said.. When she.. when she moved out. About.. when she moved out. When she.. A month and..”
Detective Wallace cut off Franks rambling, “Sir did you recently purchase a cell phone with the number 415-863-4573?”
“What? Yes.. Why? I don't understand...”
As Frank was still talking his eyes were drawn to Detective Wallace reaching into his right overcoat pocket. Frank's eyes widened as the Detective pulled out a small tape recorder.
The detective pressed play on the tape recorder. A very low, gruff voice was heard.
"Elizabeth. I need to speak to you. Pick up the phone. It's about your son.. your son Theodore. He's with me, and he has a message for you." A clicking sound was heard next. Then a familiar voice...
"Hello.. who is this?" Elizabeth said.
"You should know by now Elizabeth. You've been asking for me to contact you since your son's death. I don't have very long. I need you to understand your son is doing wonderfully here."
Elizabeth could be heard crying and sobbing during this revelation. "I was a good mother. I just wanted what was best for him. You understand that right? Please tell me you understand.."
"Teddy wants you to know that he loves you, and misses you. He misses you singing to him at night before bedtime. He misses you rocking him to sleep. He misses his little stuffed animal Mr. Kittles."
"I love you Teddy. I love you so much." Elizabeth was beside herself. The pain in her voice was crystal clear.
"I'll take care of Teddy now Elizabeth. You don't have to worry about him anymore. He's beside me now. He's in a better place."
"Everything is better now. Teddy is safe now. Everything is better now. I love you Teddy. Momma loves you so much baby..." Elizabeth said while still crying "I know what I have to do now. I have to make everything right now. I'm better now. Everything is perfect."
The Detective pressed stop on the tape recorder. Frank's hands trembled towards his face where he rested both of them against his mouth. Tears streamed down his face which at this point, was 10 shades paler than any white imaginable.
“We have a credit card statement for a purchase made at an electronics store for a voice distorter. A purchase made with your card, You want to explain that to me sir?” Detective Wallace asked now with a heavy dose of suspicion coming from his voice.
"I.. I thought.. I was trying to help her.. I.."
Detective Wallace reached into his other coat pocket, this time he pulled out a plastic evidence bag with a letter inside of it. "We found this next to your ex wife's body sir." The Detective handed Frank the bag with the letter inside of it. Frank could barely focus on what was written on the paper. Stopping every few words to wipe his tears away...
Elizabeth's Letter:
"God spoke to me last night. He told me my beautiful son Theodore was in Heaven. I'm finally at peace. I tried to be a good mother. I tried my best to keep my son away from all the harm this world has to offer. But I failed. Because this world.. this world is no place for a child. Teddy is with God now. Teddy is finally safe. He's happy. And will never be in harm's way again. Now it's my time to face the punishment I deserve. The punishment that I never received for killing my son Theodore. I suffocated my son with his pillow. I did it for him. I did it so he could go to a better place. I succeeded. Now it's time for me to pay. I go willingly. I go happily. I have no regrets. I was a good mother. I helped my son. I love you teddy. I'm better now. Everything is better now."
After the death of Frank and Elizabeth's son Theodore, things progressively got worse between them. The official cause of death was S.I.D.S. (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome). Theodore was only 9 months old. Frank tried his best to console Elizabeth, but he never seemed capable of breaking through her fortified barrier of grief. Their marriage was nearing it’s end...
“It’s not our fault honey. There’s nothing we could have done differently. Nothing!” Frank said kneeling before his wife sitting in one of their living room chairs where she would often stay for days on end, Sobbing. “The Doctors said it just happens.. there’s nothing we could have done to prevent it.”
“I could have been a better mother.” Elizabeth uttered under her breath. “Is Teddy in Heaven? He has to be in heaven with God... he has to be!”
Frank was startled by this, “What!? Of course he’s in heaven Lizzy, I’m sure of it.”
“But you don’t know for sure. There’s no way to know for sure.. don’t you understand that? I need to know for sure. I need to know!” Elizabeth cupped her face into her hands, rocking back and forth repeating the same phrase over and over again. “I need to know, I need to know, I need to know...”
This became a daily ritual for Elizabeth. Frank was at a loss as to how to satisfy Elizabeth’s need to know without a shadow of a doubt, whether or not their deceased son was in heaven. Frank often felt if he could just prove to her somehow that their son was in fact in Heaven, that it would mend their wounds and heal the bond they once shared. This idea would eventually become Frank’s obsession.
Six months after the death of their child, Elizabeth filed for divorce. She packed up her belongings and moved out. Frank was distraught. On Elizabeth’s final visit to the house her and Frank once inhabited so happily, Frank tried one last time to save his marriage. “I can’t lose you both Lizzy.. please, please reconsider this. We can get counseling, we can try to make it work. Please Lizzy.. please try for me. Please!” His words barely registered with Elizabeth who simply stated “I’ll have my lawyer contact you to finalize all the details. Goodbye.” The coldness from her words sent a winter chill straight through Frank. As Elizabeth closed the front door behind her as she left, Frank crumpled to the ground as if in that very instant every single bone in his body had turned to Gelatin.
A month and a half had passed since Elizabeth left. Frank continued with his day to day routines. Trying to appear normal. But not a single day went by that Frank didn't think about Elizabeth and Teddy. Remembering the family they once had.
KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK...
“S.F.P.D... Open up!”
The loud knocking at the door woke Frank out of a sound sleep. He unlocked his front door and opened it to revel a bevy of uniformed Police officers and Detectives. "Are you Frank Sawyer?"
"Yes. Is there a problem officer?"
“I’m Detective Wallace. This is my partner Detective Sims. We need to speak to you about your ex wife Elizabeth. May we come in?”
“Of course. Is everything alright? Is Elizabeth ok? Is she in trouble?” Frank said frantically, confused by the whole situation before him.
The Detectives entered Franks house while the other officers remained outside near the front door. The two Detectives made their way into the living room and asked Frank to take a seat. “When is the last time you spoke to or saw your ex wife sir?” Asked Detective Sims.
“Uh.. right.. right before she left me. About a month and a half ago. I tried contacting her after I received our divorce papers. She wouldn’t answer any of my calls. Is she ok? Tell me what’s going on?” Frank demanded, trying to speak firmly even though he felt his entire body weakening with every breath he took.
“Your ex wife Elizabeth is dead sir.“
Franks head began to spin. His thought process shut down like an emergency at a newspaper printing press. His world violently screeched to a halt.
“I.. I don’t understand. She.. I don’t..”
“We discovered her body two days ago after one of her neighbors reported hearing a loud explosion coming from her apartment and called 911.” Detective Wallace told Frank.
“How?” Frank asked in a tone so low it was barely audible.
“She apparently committed suicide with a handgun she purchased 3 weeks ago.”
Frank’s words came out of his mouth with a randomness that only tragedy can induce. “She... Lizzy... she said she was better now. She said.. She said it was all better now.”
“Sir when did you say was the last time you talked with her?” Detective Sims asked.
“About.. a month and a half ago. She said.. When she.. when she moved out. About.. when she moved out. When she.. A month and..”
Detective Wallace cut off Franks rambling, “Sir did you recently purchase a cell phone with the number 415-863-4573?”
“What? Yes.. Why? I don't understand...”
As Frank was still talking his eyes were drawn to Detective Wallace reaching into his right overcoat pocket. Frank's eyes widened as the Detective pulled out a small tape recorder.
The detective pressed play on the tape recorder. A very low, gruff voice was heard.
"Elizabeth. I need to speak to you. Pick up the phone. It's about your son.. your son Theodore. He's with me, and he has a message for you." A clicking sound was heard next. Then a familiar voice...
"Hello.. who is this?" Elizabeth said.
"You should know by now Elizabeth. You've been asking for me to contact you since your son's death. I don't have very long. I need you to understand your son is doing wonderfully here."
Elizabeth could be heard crying and sobbing during this revelation. "I was a good mother. I just wanted what was best for him. You understand that right? Please tell me you understand.."
"Teddy wants you to know that he loves you, and misses you. He misses you singing to him at night before bedtime. He misses you rocking him to sleep. He misses his little stuffed animal Mr. Kittles."
"I love you Teddy. I love you so much." Elizabeth was beside herself. The pain in her voice was crystal clear.
"I'll take care of Teddy now Elizabeth. You don't have to worry about him anymore. He's beside me now. He's in a better place."
"Everything is better now. Teddy is safe now. Everything is better now. I love you Teddy. Momma loves you so much baby..." Elizabeth said while still crying "I know what I have to do now. I have to make everything right now. I'm better now. Everything is perfect."
The Detective pressed stop on the tape recorder. Frank's hands trembled towards his face where he rested both of them against his mouth. Tears streamed down his face which at this point, was 10 shades paler than any white imaginable.
“We have a credit card statement for a purchase made at an electronics store for a voice distorter. A purchase made with your card, You want to explain that to me sir?” Detective Wallace asked now with a heavy dose of suspicion coming from his voice.
"I.. I thought.. I was trying to help her.. I.."
Detective Wallace reached into his other coat pocket, this time he pulled out a plastic evidence bag with a letter inside of it. "We found this next to your ex wife's body sir." The Detective handed Frank the bag with the letter inside of it. Frank could barely focus on what was written on the paper. Stopping every few words to wipe his tears away...
Elizabeth's Letter:
"God spoke to me last night. He told me my beautiful son Theodore was in Heaven. I'm finally at peace. I tried to be a good mother. I tried my best to keep my son away from all the harm this world has to offer. But I failed. Because this world.. this world is no place for a child. Teddy is with God now. Teddy is finally safe. He's happy. And will never be in harm's way again. Now it's my time to face the punishment I deserve. The punishment that I never received for killing my son Theodore. I suffocated my son with his pillow. I did it for him. I did it so he could go to a better place. I succeeded. Now it's time for me to pay. I go willingly. I go happily. I have no regrets. I was a good mother. I helped my son. I love you teddy. I'm better now. Everything is better now."
"A QUESTION OF FAITH"
What if I told you God wasn't real. Would you believe me? What if I told you there was no heaven, no hell. No angels, and no Devil. How would this change your life? What if I told you all of these things were created with the sole purpose of control. Control over you. And your actions. Control to set you on a path not of your choosing, but of another. Individuals who would deceive you. Individuals who would lie to maintain this control over you and others like you at all costs. What would you do? Would you be angry? Would you fight back? Would you kill? You and countless others have been led astray by these lies, placed under a veil of secrecy invented by a small group who, themselves wished to be Gods. And in this attempt, desecrated your innocence. Tainted your spirit. Your soul. I know, because I was once like you. I believed. I followed the word of God. But my eyes were opened, and what I saw... what I saw, was emptiness. Because we’re all alone.
Alone, but powerful. You have the power inside of you to open your eyes and reject the lie. Reject the notion of an all mighty ruler in the nothingness. You have a purpose. All humans do. But that purpose has laid dormant, put into a deep sleep by religion. By promises of an afterlife rife with pleasure. An afterlife teeming with goodness, and serenity. An afterlife, that doesn’t exist except in the minds of those in pursuit of betrayal. Don’t believe their lies. Don’t believe their promises. “Thou shall not kill”... yet men commit murder everyday in God’s name. Are they forgiven for these sins? Why are they not subjected to the same rules? Because there are no rules. This is their secret. The secret that holds the fate of humanity in its balance. Imagine a life of complete freedom. Imagine exploring every corner of your being, fulfilling every want and desire that’s been confined deep within you. Condemned pleasures. Pleasures that you and others like you are entitled to.
I can give you these things. I can give you everything you’ve ever dreamed of. You just have to trust me. You just have to wake up, and see the world for what it really is. You have to realize that this life is the life you were born with. After this you will cease to exist. You will cease to have the means to enjoy and accommodate your needs. So why waste this opportunity? You could have it all. You could finally find the needle of happiness in this haystack of life. But you have to want it. you have to desire it. Desire it above everything else. Desire is a primal instinct. Primal, yet it’s still visible in individuals today. Why? Because these chosen ones have been awakened by myself. Awakened and rewarded. Do you not desire these same rewards? I have so much to tell you, so much to show you. But I am powerless. I apologize. Do not let my choice of words confuse you. I am powerless... until you believe. Powerless until you decide to stop listening to imaginary deities and start listening to reason. Let me guide you. Let me be your tutor, and you my student. Let me show you what this life truly has to offer. I can help you. If you’ll allow me to. If you’ll allow yourself to believe.To believe in me. And what I’m saying. To trust me. I have no reason to lie to you.
Now open your eyes... and witness your reward.
Alone, but powerful. You have the power inside of you to open your eyes and reject the lie. Reject the notion of an all mighty ruler in the nothingness. You have a purpose. All humans do. But that purpose has laid dormant, put into a deep sleep by religion. By promises of an afterlife rife with pleasure. An afterlife teeming with goodness, and serenity. An afterlife, that doesn’t exist except in the minds of those in pursuit of betrayal. Don’t believe their lies. Don’t believe their promises. “Thou shall not kill”... yet men commit murder everyday in God’s name. Are they forgiven for these sins? Why are they not subjected to the same rules? Because there are no rules. This is their secret. The secret that holds the fate of humanity in its balance. Imagine a life of complete freedom. Imagine exploring every corner of your being, fulfilling every want and desire that’s been confined deep within you. Condemned pleasures. Pleasures that you and others like you are entitled to.
I can give you these things. I can give you everything you’ve ever dreamed of. You just have to trust me. You just have to wake up, and see the world for what it really is. You have to realize that this life is the life you were born with. After this you will cease to exist. You will cease to have the means to enjoy and accommodate your needs. So why waste this opportunity? You could have it all. You could finally find the needle of happiness in this haystack of life. But you have to want it. you have to desire it. Desire it above everything else. Desire is a primal instinct. Primal, yet it’s still visible in individuals today. Why? Because these chosen ones have been awakened by myself. Awakened and rewarded. Do you not desire these same rewards? I have so much to tell you, so much to show you. But I am powerless. I apologize. Do not let my choice of words confuse you. I am powerless... until you believe. Powerless until you decide to stop listening to imaginary deities and start listening to reason. Let me guide you. Let me be your tutor, and you my student. Let me show you what this life truly has to offer. I can help you. If you’ll allow me to. If you’ll allow yourself to believe.To believe in me. And what I’m saying. To trust me. I have no reason to lie to you.
Now open your eyes... and witness your reward.